Many women complain about wearing the relationship too much. What is involved, often? Their education, the fear of abandonment, another way of loving … Result? A feeling of frustration on their side, and suffocation on the side of their partner. Experts explain the imbalance that many couples experience.
Five months ago, Mattea, 36, ended a romantic relationship that lasted three years. Too thin and too proud to take on the role of the victim or the misunderstanding, she nevertheless confides that she did everything to make it work but that she was the only one to invest herself. “When I understood that nothing would happen if I stopped nourishing our relationship, I removed my balls from the game to check my feeling. I was right: basic and functional discussions, weekends hanging out, and going around in circles. Three months later, I packed my bags. With one certainty: never again! “
Carrying your couple at arm’s length, making efforts to adjust to your partner, giving without counting, and receiving too little in return … The reproaches of women evoke, in their vast majority, the asymmetry of giving and investment in the relationship, as well as the non-recognition or ingratitude of the beneficiary.
They feel like they’re doing everything right
They tell me: “I do everything, I give more and he makes no effort.” They are the ones who take their spouses to couple therapy in the hope of making them change. The problem is that, in this approach, everyone must question themselves and that it is more difficult for women, who feel that they are doing everything right. It is not a question of overwhelming some and exonerating the others, but of showing the difference in functioning and perception of things in the affective relation man-woman. “For the psychoanalyst, we must look for explanations on the side of how we continue to educate little girls, that is to say in the sense of sacrifice (concessions, compromises), service, and availability to the other. Hence a propensity to decode and satisfy the needs and expectations of his partner without even having to formulate them and, ultimately, a feeling of frustration or ingratitude.
“For Jung, female love is linked to care and interiority. Evoking the life of the first humans, he described the women talking to each other in the caves, taking care of children and food, while the man hunted, silent, lonely, watching for its prey. Having a better voice and the art of care, they are more in giving and welcoming others. Today, we still see that the man gives in deeds, and the woman in deeds “and” in words, which makes her appear doubly generous.